Van Helsing [Hugh Jackman]

Van Helsing (2004) starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh

Reviewed by: The Masked Reviewer

 Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is working for the Vatican as a monster hunter. The Vatican in this film is a holy MI6. They even have their resident Q named Carl (David Wenham) who also doubles as this film’s comedy relief. They sent Van Helsing, and Carl to help the last of the Valerious family line destroy Dracula. If they should fail nine generations will be trapped in purgatory for all of time. In Romania, during a vampire attack, they meet Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), and they learn her brother Velkan Valerious (Will Kemp) has been killed by a werewolf. Adding to their problems they must find a cure for lycanthropy before the next full moon. Unfortunately, Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) has the only cure. Time is running out, and death is around every corner.

Cast of Van Helsing

• Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman, X-Men, The Prestige): An amnesiac, monster hunter. Hugh Jackman tries his best with this script, but there is not much one can do with some of his lines.
• Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale, Underworld): The last daughter of the Valerious family. She throws herself into every fight, despite no one in her whole town for nearly a hundred years was able to kill one vampire.
• Velkan Valerious (Will Kemp, Reign): The last son of the Valerious family. A brave yet foolishly reckless young man.
• Count Vladislaus Dracula (Richard Roxburgh, Moulin Rouge!): An over the top version of Dracula, who uses guilt trips against his wives, instead of charm, or control. This version of Dracula isn’t impressive, or threatening, he’s more like Dracula’s over emotional, and whiny cousin.
• The Brides of Dracula (Silvia Colloca, Josie Maran, Elena Anaya): Dracula’s very excitable, and murderous brides. They’re also extremely baby crazy.
• Frankenstein’s Monster (Shuler Hensley, The Legend of Zorro): An intelligent creature that no one ever listens to.
• Igor (Kevin J. O’Connor, The Mummy): The assistant becomes the main doctor after Dr. Frankenstein’s untimely murder.
• Carl (David Wenham, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers): The comedic Q, of the Holy Order.

Review of Van Helsing

Some people forgive this film’s bad script, bad CGI, and giant plot holes because it’s a monster mash. Just because all of these Universal monsters are in the same movie, doesn’t make it good. The CGI looks horrible and is absolutely everywhere. The sets, for the most part, do look good. The main problem with the movie is the lack of any decent story or dialogue. The lines aren’t even laughably bad, I wish could say I enjoyed Van Helsing but I can’t.

If you shut off your brain before you watch Van Helsing, you might like it. I watched it not expecting anything good, and I still couldn’t enjoy it.

I rate this movie 1/5 stars

Editor’s note: between the violence, Hammer Films-style cleavage, etc. Van Helsing is not a family-friendly movie.