When Private Brown Becomes a Captain

Song lyrics to When Private Brown Becomes a Captain, Lyrics by Don Raye, Music by Hugh Prince, Performed by Lou Costello , Shemp Howard and the kitchen crew in Buck Privates

Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): That sergeant always makes me boil,
I’d like to fry that guy in oil,
No matter what you do he’s always squawkin’
But you just wait and don’t forget
I’ll get to be a captain yet
And that’s the day that I’ll do all the talkin’.

Shemp Howard and kitchen crew: Three cheers for the red, white, and Captain Brown!
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): When I become a captain,
The title will be strictly unofficial
I won’t be high fallutin’
Forget about salutin’
Step up and call me by my first initial.

Shemp Howard and kitchen crew: Three cheers for the red, white, and Captain B!
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): When I become a captain, there will be no bugle calls to spoil your slumber.
There will be no KP duties
And we’ll draft a bunch of cuties
And instead of doing drills we’ll do the rumba!

Shemp Howard and kitchen crew: Three cheers for the red, white, and Captain Brown!
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

Shemp Howard: What do you think is wrong with this Army?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): I’m glad you asked me that, my friend. And I can tell you in just two words: puh-lenty! Get the rest of the boys down here, I’ll tell ya. [everyone gathers] Now, the way I see it, there’s:

Too much cold,
Too much heat,
Too many MP’s walking a beat,
Too many hikes,
And too many watches,
Too many feet with fallen arches,
Too much water in the soup,
Too many pairs of pants that droop,
Too many orders,
Too many drills,
Iodine and quinine pills,
Too much mud,
And too much rain,
Too many aches
And too much pain,
Too many blisters,
Too many corns,
Too many blunt,
Too many horns,
Too much workin’ like a slave,
Too many spots that need a shave,
Too many rules, and
Too much law,
Fellas, the darndest mess I ever saw!

Three cheers for the red, white, and Captain Brown!
[realizes that the sergeant has walked in – sings weakly] Hip, hip, hip, hooray!