The Muppet Show, guest starring Juliet Prowse, originally aired January 29, 1976, episode 1.1
Funny movie quotes from The Muppet Show episode 1.1, guest starring Juliet Prowse
Statler: The question is, what is a muh-nah-muh-nah?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?
Kermit the Frog: Hey listen, it’s another great show folks. I mean tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world: The one and only, Miss Juliet Prowse. And if that weren’t enough we’ve also got Mahna Mahna. Whatever that means.
Kermit the Frog: [Phone rings] Hello. Okay. Just a second.
[to the Snowths]
Kermit the Frog: It’s for you.
Mahna Mahna: [through the phone] Mahna Mahna!
[Kermit sips from a glass of milk, the level of which drops steadily]
Kermit: Uh, think about this, friends.
Scooter: Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we’re doing on the show tonight.
Kermit the Frog: Scooter, you’re not doing an act on the show tonight.
Scooter: Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act.
Kermit the Frog: Tell us about the act you’re doing on the show tonight.
Scooter: Oh, it’s called “Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog”. Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
Kermit the Frog: Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy.
Scooter: Gee, my uncle thought it was …
Kermit the Frog: It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful.
Scooter: Yeah, it’s great. You’ll love it.
Kermit the Frog: Certainly. I’ve often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
[Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him]
Scooter: He thinks as himself as a killer.
Kermit the Frog: Let me out of here!
Kermit the Frog: What a dumb dog! Oops, I’m on stage. Well, now that I’m here let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show’s resident artist person: Gonzo the Great.
The Great Gonzo:: Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music The Flight Of The Bumblebee. Music Maestro.
Kermit the Frog: [the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it’s another wipe-out for Gonzo.
The Great Gonzo:: Yokels! What do they know about art?
Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentlemen. The lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
Rowlf: At this time, I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic: “You And I And George”. But why you ask as well you should have I never heard this great song of our times. Fact is nobody has ever heard of this ever popular classic. In its only recording, “You And I And George” sold three copies. I bought one and George bought one, where were you?
Rowlf: My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song.
Rowlf: You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.
Kermit the Frog: You know that number you did was just beautiful Juliet.
Juliet Prowse: Well, thank you Kermit. You know I’m really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I’ve never talked to a frog before.
Kermit the Frog: Well, we’re just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But you know, we have out hopes and our dreams.
Juliet Prowse: Oh yeah, we’ll what are some of your dreams?
Kermit the Frog: You may just think I’m gilding the lily pad here. But as a tadpole I always wanted to be a dancer. But you know what they say, the first thing to go on a frog are his legs.
Juliet Prowse: That’s funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
Kermit the Frog: We have to. You meet a frog without a sense of humor and you’re looking at a green lump.
Kermit the Frog: Your average frog doesn’t have much going for him in the looks department.
Juliet Prowse: Oh, I don’t know. I think you’re quite attractive.
Kermit the Frog: Really? You’re not just saying that because you’re a guest?
Juliet Prowse: Certainly not. In fact I’d go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen everybody, did you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I’m the Robert Redford of frogs. You’re going to be coming back on this show a lot. Hey listen, have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
Juliet Prowse: No I haven’t.
Kermit the Frog: How about kissing the next best thing?
Juliet Prowse: You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
Kermit the Frog: I mean me! The Robert Redford of frogdom.
Juliet Prowse: My pleasure.
Rowlf: I’ve been playing saloons down in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the west. I mean we had some mean customers.
Miss Kitty: Howdy Rowlf.
Rowlf: Hello, Miss Kitty. I mean they were tough. After three years I thought I’d seen it all. I’d seen the Clem brothers, the Under brothers, the James brothers. Not to mention the Osmond Brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn’t seen nothing.
Cowboy: Have you got a license to carry them pickles?
Rowlf: When you get shot by a pickle in close range, do you get garlic burns?
Rowlf: All right. You asked for it.
[shoots his pickles like a gun]
Cowboy: Sorry Kid. I didn’t know the pickles were loaded. Here’s your money.
Rowlf: All right don’t make a move I got you covered. Throw down your pickles!
Fozzie Bear: Okay. I don’t need guns to fight you. I’ll get you with my knife.
[pulls out a carrot]
Rowlf: Will you stop with the vegetables.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, you shouldn’t have done that. I am a desperate bear ready for desperate measures.
[pulls out an apple with a lit fuse]
Rowlf: Oh no!
Bartender: It’s an apple!
Rowlf: And don’t tell me …
Fozzie Bear: Yes. The fuse is lit. The fuse is lit?
[the apple explodes]
Rowlf: And that’s how it was the day Kid Fozzie came to town.
Scooter: Okay, Kemit. Now that Muppy is doing the big Simon Smith number, he has one other suggestion.
Kermit the Frog: Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
Scooter: Well, it’s about the title of the show. Look.
[holds up a sign saying ‘The Muppy Show’]
Kermit the Frog: ‘The Muppy Show’?
Kermit the Frog: Muppy? Scooter? You’re on next.
Scooter: It’s no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won’t change the title of the show he’s not going on. He’s locked himself in his dressing room, and he’s not coming out.
Kermit the Frog: Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next.
Scooter: I know. I know.
Kermit the Frog: What are we going to do?
Fozzie Bear: Kermit. How come I’m not doing an act this week?
Kermit the Frog: Congratulations Fozzie. You’re doing an act this week.
Fozzie Bear: Sometimes I can be very persuasive.
Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentlemen. “Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear”.
Scooter: I may go out tomorrow if I can borrow a coat to wear/Oh, I’d step out in style with my sincere smile and my dancing bear/Outrageous, alarming/Courageous, charming/Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It’s just amazing how fair people can be.
Scooter: Seen at the nicest places where well fed faces all stop to stare/Making the grandest entrance is Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear. They’ll love us.
Fozzie Bear: Won’t they?
Scooter: They feed us.
Fozzie Bear: Don’t they?
Scooter: Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It’s just amazing how fair people can be.
Scooter: Oh, who needs money?
Fozzie Bear: When we’re funny? Hah!
Scooter: The great attraction everywhere would be Simon Smith and his dancing Bear. It’s Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear.
Fozzie Bear: Together. Yes. Oh yes!
Mahna Mahna: Mahna-Mahna!
The Snowths: Du-doo-du-doo-du!
Waldorf: He’s doing it! He’s eating a tire!
Scooter: Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he’s very sorry he bit you.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, yeah.
Scooter: He wants you to know he’s very grateful you’re letting him do the Simon Smith number.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, well that’s nice.
Scooter: He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
Kermit the Frog: Who is this crazy dog?
Scooter: He’s my uncles favorite pet!
Kermit the Frog: Hello there Miss Prowse. Hey listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
Juliet Prowse: No, none whatsoever. Except that I’ve never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
Kermit the Frog: I told Gonzo to dress in the alley!
Juliet Prowse: He’s sweet for a frog.
Waldorf: She just vanished! How did she do that?
Statler: Probably like this.
Miss Piggy: Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon?
Pig: I prefer anything to Bacon.
Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: Less! Less!
Kermit the Frog: Ladies and gentleman. It’s Cowboy Time!
Rowlf: Hello, Miss Kitty.
Fozzie Bear: Alright everybody. Reach for the floor. This is a stick down.
Bartender: You’re confused kid. You ain’t got no guns. Those are pickles. There he is: the Fastest Gerkin in the West.
Waldorf: That’s one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren’t funny.
[Statler’s cigar explodes]
Waldorf: … although some of them are really quite droll.
Zoot: Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth, and it long and fuzzy.
Juliet Prowse: I don’t know.
Zoot: I don’t know either, but you’re wearing it!
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you — ¦
[continues to move his lips]
Waldorf: Darn, I’d better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
[Waldorf punches Statler in the jaw]
Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
Mildred: You’re such a smooth dancer. Ever since we’ve started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.
George: They haven’t. You’ve been standing on mine!
Flower Eating Monster: Mind if I smoke?
Female Dancer: If you insist.
Flower Eating Monster: Thanks.
[smoke comes bellowing out of the monsters nose filling the ballroom and causing the other dancers to cough]
Flower Eating Monster: Smokes not bothering you is it?
Fozzie Bear: Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight.
Fozzie Bear: Oh, you’re going to love this … There’s two kinda ..
Kermit the Frog: Stand by for the Western Sketch.
Fozzie Bear: Hey Kermit.
[doing a bad John Wayne impression]
Fozzie Bear: Does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit the Frog: Will you get on stage Fozzie?